SOME DAYS ALL IT FEELS LIKE IS CRASHING INTO WALLS

ON MAY 5 I START A NEW JOB
I AM STILL WORKING AT NIGHT AND WEEKENDS MY OTHER PURSUITS
LITERALLY CASTING MYSELF TO WIND BUT WITH FORCE
TODAY IS A VERY BAD DAY FOR ME
I AM NOT EXACTLY SURE BUT HAVE NOT FELT THIS LOW IN AWHILE
FEEL LIKE NOTHING WILL EVER HAPPEN BUT I CANNOT STOP
I KEEP GOING
I KNOW NO OTHER ALTERNATIVE
I MUST BE A REAL STUBBORN FOOL OR ASS

I LOW AS HELL BUT FORGE AHEAD LIKE A BLIND BULL
WHERE EVERYTHING IS RED
WHAT A ROLLERCOASTER
EVERYDAY
STILL TOO MANY PILLS\
KEEP GOING I TELL MYSELF KEEP GOING BUT ITS SO HARD SOMETIMES
WHAT A CLIMB THE DEPRESSION ON DAYS CAN KILL YOU
HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD
AM I ALONG
I KNOW I KNOW
I GO I GET
YOU GO YOU GET
I KNOW

ITS GETTING WORSE AGAIN BEFORE IT CAN GET BETTER

ever feel its getting worse again before its getting better
i am not hitting another crossroads
i have to change work because not enough financial opportunity
really, no financial opportunity
fortunately , i have found something which has promise and could be exciting
we will see
the good thing is i dont loose anytime from my current work
no time lost , no money lost , i jump right in
good for the head and good for the pocket
i know i will treat this opportunity as if it is my own buisness like i always do
i will pour my heart and soul into it to make it work for all
i am still relentlessly pursuing several other options
who knows where all this will or will not lead too
i certainly cannot tell myself i am not out there trying with all i have to give life
before my final breath
i cannot fade away or die wondering what might have been
i cannot help but keep going
i really feel the daylight is closer
lets hope so.........

THE BIGGEST OBSTACLE IS ME

i am almost there. almost. but almost on somedays feels like light years
ever feel that way? have or seem to have everything going for you, except YOU.
nerves, anxieties, all these ugly inner demons eat away at my dreams and drive
i am my own worst enemy. i know it. and i am now approaching the fight of my life to beat myself out of this. i must win if i loose i am finished
i am at the starting line, ready one, two, three, YOU GO YOU GET, to take on the world
but must first get past my own terror to go. this is a battle i must win. i am fighting hard
cannot afford to loose. no option. no other door. no exit. must keep going
must keep going. oh god where is the sun?

SCARY, VERY SCARY

i dont know about you. i guess you life is all together, work, money, love
not mine
oh love is great . but the rest i am near bottom and at 55 yrs old forced to start again
anyone else in the universe , man or women, like me. what do you do
how do you keep your spirits up
how do you not loose it and fall into an uncontrable depression
how do stay off the pills and booze to ease the pain
its enough to kill anyones soul.
i have a couple of options
i am working them all at the same time
no choice
its hard very hard
to maintain my own motto YOU GO YOU GET
no choice, what else can i do ?
GIVE UP??
i cant
i keep going. what about you????
i have to get over the fact that i cannot believe sometimes that i am in this pathetic situation.
see you soon

RICH, VERY RICH IN LOVE, POOR IN PERSONAL ACCOMPLISHMENTS

compared to any man on earth, i am lucky , very lucky and i know it
i am in my mid 50`s, have a wonderful, beautiful loving wife, two unbelieveable kids who are teenagers and still unbelieveable and well on their way towards their own dreams
i believe i have been a good father and husband and nothing , absolutely nothing makes me happier than to see my kids and wife smile, or sadder, if they are sad.
BUT something is wrong, very wrong and maybe this is not right to say, i appreciate everyday what i have and say it out loud. but inside i am dying because i have my dreams that i have so far to go.
you see, no matter how it sounds, i need now to fix me. i need make me happy or filled with meaning by doing and achieving what i love and believe in. it is now
it should be enough all the above, but if i am honest, it is still not enough for me
i desparately need to find my home, my dreams. the agnst and hunger exploding in me is unbearable. i appear unduly passionate and driven, because I AM.
no matter what, i cannot stop writing and pursuing my entreprenurial goals.
anyone out there ever feel this way? all is great except you are miserable
and i know i dont alot of healthy years (i am 55) where i will the luxury of the drive i have now
i have more energy than a teenager and certain i am far more driven.
its amazing is it not, i can be so lucky and yet so much in pain inside. i keep going and more than ever live by my motto , YOU GO YOU GET.
see you soon.